by Kristin Gallagher, Columnist
I have to admit that I am the epidemy of a modern day drama queen. I came to this conclusion as I was lying on my bedroom floor, face down and crying . Fresh out of the shower – not a lick of clothing on.
I could never make this stuff up for imagery. This is truly my life.
The life of a twenty-something drama queen.
As I lay there, I am consciously aware of how much I am torturing myself. I continue to think about my ex day in and day out, like clockwork. I wake up violently aware that he is not there, and I struggle to fall asleep wishing he was. So goes the typical breakup- one person swears they are dying and the other is probably sipping a PBR as we speak.
*immediately strips and lays face down on floor again*
Perhaps I am overreaching just a bit with my tantrum, but it has helped me in two ways.
1. In general, I am not a crier. I think I am at my most disgusting state when I am in tears. The sounds that come out of me, the snot, the constant drawing down of the corners of my mouth makes me completely uncomfortable. My face hurts just thinking about it. This makes it so I cannot openly be emotional with people. I just cannot do it. So crying alone on my floor, to me, is a release. At least I am crying. Crying is in fact good for the soul. Experts say it releases endorphins that ease pain, or some junk like that. I’m not exactly one for science, but if it justifies my antics…
2. I feel like tantrums force you to reach to THE farthest extremes. You over exaggerate and stomp your feet and promise you are going to take drastic measures…
…Which brings me to where I am now.
Have you ever wanted to make a drastic change? Like SERIOUSLY considered it?
It may be in my delusional state, and I may have stomped my feet one too many times and rattled my teeny brain. But as of late, I am constantly pondering something crazy.
I want to leave. I want to pack up and head out of this place. Not for a better job, or for another person, or to be closer to family. Just to go. To not be here. To do something different. Have a different chance at happiness. Not to say I am not happy here. I have my friends and family and loved ones.
But a different happy.
I want to find a variation of myself, if you will.
Here’s the deal – I know that there is more to me than this. This “ugly naked girl,” and for those of you who get the reference, please know that the sitcom Friends is in fact my comfort food, and no I will not watch House of Cards, no matter how freaking good it is. I’m in mourning.
But you can’t keep doing the same things and expect a change.
Boom. Science again. You’re welcome.
I keep telling myself that I have a great job with great pay and great benefits and great potential.
But sometimes, it cannot be all about the money and the benefits. When there is something missing, so much that you can feel it in your stomach, then its time to stop making choices for ‘future’ you and make choices for ‘right now’ you.
It sounds crazy. Hell, it probably is. Don’t listen to me. I am only an ugly, naked, crying girl with a rattled brain.
BUT, if you are one of the 4 regular followers that I have who have kept reading, just stick with me for one minute.
Imagine you find a way to pack up, and you go to a totally new place. Somewhere that is out of your comfort zone – everything is brand new. It’s like you are giving yourself this whole new canvas to paint – the possibilities are endless. You would be forced to make decisions for YOU and you alone.
It sounds crazy, but to me, it sounds right.
A lady sat at my desk the other day and she said to me, “Do you have a 401 (k) here?”
I said, “Yes. It is one of the many perks of working with this agency.”
She responded, “It amazes me the number of young people who don’t realize that, who will leave a job with such benefits to chase a dream. You have to realize the value of such a benefit.”
So, in other words, don’t chase something you love and risk losing something that is smart.
I didn’t smack her with the retirement proposal book lying on my desk, although I wanted to.
Love isn’t smart. Period. But I bet if you compared the feeling of doing something smart to doing something for love, you would choose to be stupid.
I said in my last post that I will always take on the risk of love – I will always put in 50/50 knowing that my heart is assuming an unadvisable risk.
In the past, that has just been with people. But love is more than just people, and I am only just now realizing that. It is what we do, and where we are, and what we see, and what we feel. It is not “a person,” but rather everything we internalize and develop affection for. We usually associate it with people because we are human and we crave partners and lust, and the euphoria of love follows that pattern.
But love is, and is meant to be, SO much more than our significant others. We are capable of loving our entire lives – our jobs, our homes, our interactions, the people who surround us as company – we merely choose to limit it. Like it’s okay to just fall in love with one person, and settle for everything else.
Well not for me. It took losing the person I spent my time loving to realize that all I had left was mediocrity, and I’ll be damned if my tombstone will read “Ugly Naked Girl. She was alright, I guess.”
So I want to find a variation of myself. A different Daria, one who is less ugly and wears more clothes when she is sad.
As of late, I am pondering something crazy. I don’t know quite what yet, but it is going to rattle my brain in an entirely new way.
Who knows? Maybe in a few months my posts will be coming to you guys from another country. I’m going that rogue. Because if I am going to do something, I am going to do it with love in my heart, and I know that is going to lead me exactly where I need to be.
Being ‘in love’ is more than a person. Remember that. I encourage anyone reading this to consider that and join me in doing something a little bit off the charts – you might just find yourself head over heels.
xoxo-Ugly Naked Girl
Editor’s Note: This post originally appeared on Gallagher’s blog, dariadiaries.com